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Thoughts of a dying artist
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2008.12.18 16.51
TheconjoinedTwin
IamconstantlysearchinngfortebetterhalftillthebetterhalffindsmeandIcannotrunawayfromit.
LoveXy.
Mood:  peaceful
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2008.12.10 11.20
Time
Most of the time...
I'm just too caught up in the world of my own that I skip knowing about current affairs. If I happen to know about it, it was just because I happen to hear it from some telly in my surroundings or words from someone else's conversation happen to enter my ears, or or ( too much to type ).
Half the time...
I am day-dreaming. I forgot to alight at the right station, or where I'm going. I think about things that happen in the past, i think about people I want to think about, i think about how many people is having sex at the same time, or if they ever thought of the same things like I do, or how many people fall in love or break up, or or (ok too much to type anyway).
Quarter of the time...
My head is filled with things left undone. And the list seems to want to fight it's way out of the cramped space.
I basically have no time. You see that?
Solo time.
Love Xy.
Mood:  anxious
Music: High and Dry, Radiohead
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2008.12.09 16.46
Fag
It's too much of a fag. Go get a space of your own.
Preferably, somewhere no one knows.
Love Xy.
Mood:  drained
Music: Mother, Blonde Redhead
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2008.10.22 05.52
Man.
I vow to never touch this bloody thing again. Yet feelings has been filled up too much to the brim and anymore it could just be overflowing. Things had been crushing down on me like a thunderstorm, expectedly. The clouds follow me everywhere I go, not for the sake of sheltering but rather, for keeping me gloomy. And when I least expect anything to happen, drops of water come raining down on me. I'm drenched. So soaking wet with my salty tears. " The heart holds more water than the ocean holds" . I just couldn't get over how I have to bottle up my feelings like a man. For they say a man only allowed to shed blood and not tears. With that puny size of mine, people always has this perception of me that I am so naive and easy to bully. But hey I'm a tough kid. This mac book pro of mine is just another electronic thingy of mine that does me this favor of allowing me to type all these crap out. I'm so immune to forcing myself not to break down that I kind of forgot how to cry. It's kind of strange, really. I am not that kind of girl who comes to you and cry her heart out, be some missy and show that I am weak. I find it pointless because at the end of the day it just doesn't really do me any good, plus I hate to show people the weaker side of me. Call me egoistic. Yes I am. There is no one to talk to, too much to begin with and too deep for anyone to understand. I'm tired, really tired, too tired to make any effort. If you think you got that effort, come pick me up again. If you got the paitence, then wait if I'm worthy enough for the time. If not, just scam or I give you a reason to.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born a lady.
Love Xy.
Mood: sleepy
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2008.09.30 23.31
You are a pack of lies.
Seriously you are just a pack of lies.
And all of them cover the hillsides.
Love Xy.
Mood:  gloomy
Music: Midlake, It covers the hillsides.
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2008.09.30 16.00
People do change.
People around me are changing. We might have been good friends for a couple of years but the change is making me feel uncomfortable around them. I am pretty sure they did a good job trying to deny the fact that they have changed because they would have notice it anyway. The best part isnt about the change itself, but the fact that they come back to me and tell me how much they hate it...then the next thing you know, they are out there doing it. It's like a process of denying and doing it and denying and doing it again. Are they tired of pretending? They might as well just lose themselves and the friends around them. It's rather sad because they are changing to fit into the crowd. What they may not know is that people love the way they are and not for who they pretend to be. The new ones might be decieved but not their old friends.
Love Xy.
Mood:  annoyed
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2008.09.14 21.44
Too tired.
I swear I am going to delete my facebook account because it has become a gossiping centre, it causes jealousy.
I can't really be bothered anyway. If someone I know dies tomorrow I can't be bothered either. I m just too tired.
Drained till not even a single drop left. Can someone recharge my energy bar? Seriously I have given enough.
It's your turn now. because I am so unhappy.
Love Xy.
Mood: moody
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2008.09.14 20.57
Gawdammit
Gawdamit. Just fucking gawdamit.
This month is a piece of shit.
Even the old friends changed.
They took you for granted and start hanging out with "cooler friends"
Seriously I don't give anyone a shit now because they don't give shit about me.
All lies I swear, bad month.
I'm not even paid to make anyone happy so why should I?
Love Xy.
Mood: pissed off
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2008.09.10 03.41
Everyone around me change.
I just don't feel the same anymore.
Some people just changed because they are influenced by the people they reconcile with.
Certain people just chose to hang out with certain friends now because they are much "cooler".
How can fun be a factor in everything?
Love xy.
Mood:  confused
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2008.08.27 17.06
It's times like this that I feel so low to the point that I can't even help myself up again.
I need time to find a way to love myself once again without having to lose the ones around me.
Love Xy.
Mood:  restless
Music: Midlake, The jungler
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2008.08.23 22.34
Bored.
Sorry I'm darn bored.
I can't help it I get bored easily.
I had my headphones plugged in to feel the rave.
Let's flee.
Let's elope.
Let's fly to somewhere high.
I want fries and ice cream now.
On the other hand.
My hands aren't listening to me.
My brain is still wondering around.
Colourful is the shit.
Love Xy.
Mood: restless
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2008.08.23 20.22
Puny Not.
This girl miss partying, some running, scrambling around, rebelling for a cause, carrying objects larger than she is.
She wants to handmade stuff, start selling and make money.
Getting high, not on drugs, just pure alcohol.
She's small. Nonetheless not puny enough for you to bully.
She stamps foot and walks off. *
She can't sit still.
She's a bunch of fun.
You just had to let her have room for creativity.
Love Xy.
Mood:  bouncy
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2008.08.21 17.54
This journal seems rather useless to me, now that I know who has been reading it.
Love Xy.
Mood: drained
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2008.08.13 03.35
Roller Coaster.
Having you by my side is like riding on a roller coaster that never ends.
Love Xy.
Mood:  chipper
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2008.08.01 13.38
Cigar.
If relieving stress is the reason why some people smoke, I think I need a cigar.
Love Xy.
Mood:  busy
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2008.07.31 15.26
This should have came earlier.
I am enjoying this. Really.
I could feel the Sugar Rush.
This should have same earlier.
Blonde Redhead is rocking into my head now. Again.
Love Xy.
Mood: pleased
Music: Blonde Redhead, Misery is a butterfly
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2008.07.31 13.59
I need.
I am too deep to understand sometimes.
But I just find pleasure in work.
I hate to deal with things beyond my control.
I need find myself back in illustrating.
Love Xy.
Mood: anxious
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2008.07.31 02.13
Oh I fucking crashed. Haha*
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2008.07.28 02.44
I am fucking tired.
Love Xy.
Mood: stressed
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2008.07.12 00.23
Consumption
He not only consumes the amount of food 10 times more than me.
He also consumed almost all my energy everytime we meet.
Love Xy.
Mood: amused
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